Merry Christmas from the Libertarian Party: ‘Will the feds bust Santa Claus?’

From the Libertarian Party email list

We at the Libertarian Party would like to wish you a Merry Christmas and happy holidays. We hope that you are truly blessed, and find comfort in families, friends and loved ones over the holidays.

To bring some holiday cheer, we wanted to share this article written by our former Director of Communications George Getz:

WASHINGTON, D.C. – When Santa Claus comes to town this week, he’d better watch out — because the federal government may be making a list of his crimes (and checking it twice), the Libertarian Party warned today.

“Hark the federal agents sing, Santa is guilty of nearly everything,” said Libertarian Party press secretary George Getz. “The feds know when Santa’s been bad or good — and he’s been bad, for goodness sakes.”

Does Santa belong in the slammer? Instead of stuffing stockings, should he be making license plates?

Yes, said Getz, if he’s held to the same standards as a typical American. For example:

* Every December 25, the illegal immigrant known as Santa Claus crosses the border into the United States without a passport. He carries concealed contraband, which he sneaks into the country in order to avoid inspection by the U.S. Customs Service. And just what’s in all those brightly colored packages tied up with ribbons, anyway? The Drug Czar and Homeland Security want to know.

* Look at how this international fugitive gets around: Santa flies in a custom-built sleigh that hasn’t been approved by the FAA. He never files a flight plan. He has no pilot’s license. In the dark of night, he rides the skies with just a tiny bioluminescent red light to guide him — a clear violation of traffic safety regulations.

* Pulling Santa’s sleigh: Eight tiny reindeer, a federally protected species being put to hard labor. None of these reindeer have their required shots, and Santa’s never bothered to get these genetically- engineered animals registered and licensed. It’s no wonder: He keeps them penned outside his workplace in a clear violation of zoning laws.

* But Crooked Claus the Conniving Capitalist harms more than just animals — he’s hurting hard-working American laborers, too. Isn’t Santa’s Workshop really Santa’s Sweatshop, where his non-union employees don’t make minimum wage and get no holiday pay? Add the fact that OSHA has never inspected the place, and you have a Third-World elf-exploitation operation that only Kathy Lee Gifford could love.

* No wonder Santa is able to maintain his monopoly over the toy distribution industry: He’s cornered the Christmas gift market. Santa dares to give away his products for free in a sinister attempt to crush all competition — just like Microsoft’s Internet Explorer. Antitrust Lawsuit Memo to the feds: Is Santa Claus the Bill Gates of Christmas?

The bottom line, said Getz: “It might be tough sledding for Jolly St. Nick this Christmas if the government decides to prosecute him.

“We’re just surprised it hasn’t already happened. After all, Santa Claus is everything that politicians aren’t: He’s popular, reliable, and gives us something for nothing every December 25th — instead of taking our money every April 15th,” says Getz.

Live free,

Andrew Davis
Director of Communications
Libertarian Party

26 thoughts on “Merry Christmas from the Libertarian Party: ‘Will the feds bust Santa Claus?’

  1. Bastiat Univ

    All this time I thought the old socialist would be welcome in the new America. He dresses in red, chants the Vietnamese hero’s name (Ho Ho Ho), and caters to national elites that have chimneys.

    He’s just misunderstood – perhaps if we water-board a few elves and reindeer we will discover the truth.

  2. paulie cannoli Post author

    Bastiat Univ.,

    Thought provoking points, indeed. And, now that I think of it, why this enthusiasm for giving non-productive parasites “something for nothing”? I thought the libertarian principle was “there ain’t any such thing as a free lunch”?

  3. paulie cannoli Post author

    The key question, then, is whether what is being charitably redistributed is taken from others freely or through forces. Are the elves and reindeer willing participants, or unwilling slaves? Does Santa have a natural monopoly on employment at the North pole, or is it one upheld by whip-wielding overseers, disarmament of the elves, and jail or worse for those who refuse to work? Is Ol’ Nick’s last name Khruschev, and does he intend to bury us with his trojan gifts? There are, indeed, many questions to be asked here.

  4. paulie cannoli Post author


    Is troll genocide going on at the North Pole, behind the facade of smiling elves at Santa’s Potemkin work camp?

    Stay tuned in for further developments on this breaking story…

  5. gbrooks

    Mr. Davis, please, stay out of satire and keep your day job making the Libertarian Party look like the party of young, ignorant unprofessional twits.

    It’s obvious you have no knack for communications, whether it’s attempted satire or simple email correspondence.

  6. Catholic Trotskyist

    Special Report: the trolls Catholic Trotskyist and Libertarian Joseph have overcome their differences and fought Santa’s attempt to commit troll genocide. They have escaped from the North Poll, with CT using the power of Jesus Christ and LJ using the power of Satan.

  7. Michael H. Wilson

    Personally I am against this whole idea of Christmas in December and in the month that winter begins. Lets move Christmas to June, or July. Better chance of getting out and buying stuff. No snow to ruin retail shopping. Nothing dark and dank to spoil one’s mood. Hell if the government can knock off an hour here and there for the benefit of all and call it daylight savings, why not move Christmas to a respectable month? Probably save on a lot of Xmas lighting as well.

  8. JimDavidson

    @15 Isn’t the Catholic feast of the conception in December? Which ought to make the actual birth of Jesus some time in early September, one would think.

    Mithrasmas is a poor excuse for picking a man’s pocket every 25th of December. lol

  9. Michael Gilson-De Lemos

    Hi Jim,

    Quite so. A common date for the birth of Josh Josephson is August 22, 7 BC at 6 AM in the longitudes passing through Israel, both for astrological reasons (notably a rare configuration there that would have interested the 3 Magi). and astronomical ones (starlike plametary conjunctions at the time). This matches tolerably with the Conception Festival.

    Some very interesting stuff when you GOOGLE:

    The death has even more abundant research given the known astronomical and calendar desriptions in the NT:

    A Serene Saturnalia to you.


  10. LibertarianGirl

    ” I thought the libertarian principle was “there ain’t any such thing as a free lunch”?”

    ahhh … Moon is a Harsh Mistress , my favorite heinlein book. thats where that statement comes from

  11. JimDavidson

    So, Libertarian Girl, you wanna join the BTP of Luna? I’ve been meaning to start the Facebook group for it.

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