Noted environmentalists and philanthropists David and Charles Koch announced today their intention to run together as a ticket to represent the Green Party in the 2016 presidential election.
Dozens of reporters were killed by molten lava attempting to reach the brother’s corporate headquarters in Wichita for the announcement. A few made it past the volcanic flow, but were promptly eaten by Charles’s prized genetically-modified bloodhounds. The last and most persistent journalist, a recent Columbia graduate interning for The Atlantic, was taken out by a land mine just a few hundred yards from where the Koch brothers had made themselves available to answer questions.
Since no reporters actually survived the press conference, it was left unclear to the outside world which brother is running for President, and which for Vice-President. The campaign’s communications director, Chris Matthews, however speculated that it would “probably” be David running for Vice-President, “out of habit.”
Jill Stein, the Green Party’s 2012 nominee, announced that she was suspending her exploration of a 2016 campaign, in hopes of serving as Secretary of Commerce in a Koch administration. Other celebrities lined up to endorse the Kochs, including Whoopi Goldberg, Russell Brand, and Warren Buffet, who gathered on the observation deck of the Koch’s new whale-oil processing plant in Oregon to announce their support.
A spokesman for Koch Industries declined to comment on the possible legal implications for the nation’s largest privately-held corporation. He did, however, offer a cryptic clue that some took as the possible Koch/Koch 2016 campaign slogan: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”
My money’s on Dan and Elon.
I bet they’ll whip Musk/Savage or Savage/Musk!
Ahh… things go better with Koch!
It would actually be a great idea for the Kochs to go “all in” and claim to be sympathetic to Jared Polis, finance him to the hilt as part of their new anti-prison industrial complex campaign, and then take the Green Party over. Structurally, their inane “Ten Key Values” wouldn’t put up much of a fight. …Especially not if they let the existing GP activists keep their jobs as professional idiots. That would be a good lesson for the economic-illiterates in the GP (and a dead crow hung up in the garden to further discourage the LP from attempting anything serious).
But, I guess it just depends on what you’re into…
They look kind of old and wrinkled to me.
That’s a nice looking pair of Kochs!
I think Ed would have been more interested in HUD, Transportation, Justice, or perhaps Defense.
Too bad brother Ed is no longer with us. He could have been Secretary of State!
They’re going to get the green double-koched out of them!