Austin Petersen Will Announce His Candidacy for President Tonight on the John Stossel Show

Austin Peterson

The Raymore Journal
September 25, 2015

Down to earth, literally a meat and potatoes kind of guy, Austin Petersen, a 1999 graduate of Ray-Pec, will officially announce his run for the Presidency of the United States tonight on John Stossel’s program that will air at 7 PM on Fox Business news. Petersen, who will run on the Libertarian ticket, took time out of his busy schedule to set down with his hometown newspaper for an interview.

Majoring in Music Theater at Missouri State University, Petersen had no inclination for politics initially. “I never really wanted to be a politician,” he said. At the encouragement of a growing grass roots group of people likeminded with him, Petersen decided to run. “If we look at the options we have right now, they are pretty dismal. I’m intensely interested in the ideas of freedom and liberty. I thought maybe this would be an opportunity for me to articulate to the American people what it really means to believe in limited government, constitutionalism, free markets and capitalism.”

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36 thoughts on “Austin Petersen Will Announce His Candidacy for President Tonight on the John Stossel Show

  1. paulie

    “You tubby piece of shit, you couldn’t even approach 1/4 of the pyramid of pussy that I swim in on a regular basis. It’s because I have class, motherfucker!” – Austin ‘Mountain Dew Camacho’ Petersen

  2. paulie

    via FB Nicholas Sarwark Austin hasn’t filed his FEC Form 2 (or at least hadn’t earlier this week when I checked), so he’s not listed on the official LP web page.

  3. Chuck Moulton

    Austin phoned me last night to ask for my support in convention. When I asked about his lack of filing with the FEC, he said he is working with attorneys to make sure everything is correct before submitting the paperwork.

  4. paulie

    He said that to you, Paulie?

    LOL, no, to Cantwell. It’s in a podcast around the 4 minute mark.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5VuyHvaqd3w

    He could have said that to me, though. My batting average is way, way, way down from the glory days of my youth. Although I would bet my lifetime score is still way higher. He’ll have to keep puffing away to catch up, but he has time.

  5. NewFederalist

    “You tubby piece of shit, you couldn’t even approach 1/4 of the pyramid of pussy that I swim in on a regular basis. It’s because I have class, motherfucker!” – Austin ‘Mountain Dew Camacho’ Petersen

    Wow! I hope he gets a crack at Megyn Kelly! He might just be able to trump The Donald!

  6. paulie

    Via FB discussions. Haven’t asked whether the author wants to be quoted so I won’t say who said it,

    “Hi, I’m Austin Petersen and I’m running for president with The Libertarian Republic. *cough* I mean the Libertarian Party.”

  7. Jed Ziggler

    “Austin ‘Mountain Dew Camacho’ Petersen”

    I’d be more inclined to support Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho for the LP nomination. After all, he is a five time Smackdown champion AND a porn superstar.

  8. Richard Winger

    The FEC form for initial filing is extremely simple. It just asks for the name and address of the candidate, and party affiliation if any, and the name and address of the treasurer if the candidate has a treasurer. It seems odd anyone would need an attorney to help with this first form. Of course the actual campaign reports that follow are much more complicated.

  9. George Phillies

    We invited Petersen to our State Convention on October 17, for the Presidential debate. He declined. He does not have the money to travel.

    When I ran for President, the first thing I did was to drop $100,000 of my own money into my campaign account.

  10. Chuck Moulton

    Austin Petersen said (YouTube video with Chris Cantwell):

    You couldn’t approach even a quarter of the pyramid pile of pussy that I’m swimming in on a regular basis… It’s because I have class mother fucker.

    Let’s use this as a learning experience. Supposing Cantwell’s pyramid pussy pile is proportional to Petersen’s pyramid pussy pile (that’s a tongue twister!), how much taller is Petersen’s?

    Recall the volume of a pyramid is (1/3)Bh where h = height and B = area of the base (whether that be a triangle or a square or whatever).

    The area of the base varies as the square of the length of a side. The easiest example to see this is a square: A = s2, where s = the length of a side. The same general principle applies to triangles, etc. For simplicity, we can use square base pyramids.

    Let the volume of Austin’s pussy pyramid be:
    VA = (1/3)sAsAhA

    Let the volume of Cantwell’s pussy pyramid be:
    VC = (1/3)sCsChC

    We are given that “[Cantwell] couldn’t approach even a quarter of the pyramid pile of pussy that [Petersen is] swimming in on a regular basis”.

    Therefore:
    VA > 4VC
    (1/3)sAsAhA > 4(1/3)sCsChC
    sAsAhA > 4sCsChC

    But due to proportionality we know (x is a an unknown multiple we seek to find):
    sA = xsC
    hA = xhC

    So:
    xsCxsCxhC > 4sCsChC
    xxx[sCsChC] > 4[sCsChC]
    x3 > 4
    x > cube root of 4
    x > 1.5874

    Therefore, Austin Petersen’s pyramid pile of pussy must be more than 58% taller than Chris Cantwell’s pyramid pile of pussy.

  11. Jill Pyeatt Post author

    Chuck–if you fix that, I’ll consider putting this comment up as an article!

    Seriously.

  12. George Phillies

    The claim is that the candidate allegedly said “You *** piece of ***, you couldn’t even approach 1/4 of the *** that I *** in on a regular basis. It’s because I have class, ***!” – Austin ‘Mountain Dew Camacho’ Petersen

    If he said that, he is entirely unfit to serve.

  13. paulie

    Not sure what you mean by “claim….if.” I posted the link to the video and approximate time stamp above; check it for yourself.

  14. Jed Ziggler

    So I watched the episode of Stossel I think he was supposed to be on, and he wasn’t on, unless it was in the first few minutes of the show that I missed.

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