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The Drug Enforcement Agency (DEA) announced this morning that it will close its doors and return its $3 Billion annual budget to taxpayers. Citing “epic failure” to reduce the availability of drugs and the agency’s role in destroying hundreds of thousands of lives both at home and abroad, the DEA has voluntarily relinquished its unconstitutional powers and disbanded.
“We are excited to announce that the Drug Enforcement Administration will cease operations as of April 1, 2019,” said an agency spokesman at this morning’s press conference. “The DEA seizes less than 1% of illegal drugs in America, and we were mainly founded to criminalize non-white people and hippies, anyway. Now that the medical cannabis movement is publicly disproving Henry Anslinger’s ‘reefer madness’ and racist lies, we believe the time has come to abandon the war on drugs and leave peaceful people alone.”
In the end, it was science that changed the agency’s priorities.
“You’d think we’d have changed our minds after our terrorist tactics tortured and killed innocent people, or when DEA agents made millions selling drugs and skimming cash, when our ‘crackdown’ fueled the overdose epidemic, or when our employee literally shot himself in the foot in front of school kids,” said a former agent carrying the contents of his cubicle in a cardboard box. “But no. Ultimately, we listened to medical experts, learned some basics economics of black markets, and resolved to stop creating criminals.”
The only mourners for the DEA will be violent drug cartels, who rely on the American agents to keep prices high and competitors scarce. A few informants, known to the Agency as ‘snitches,’ may also miss their multi-million-dollar paydays.
DC residents might be interested in the upcoming auction of utterly insane amounts of surveillance equipment, a wide range of illegally seized personal property, and an unknowable number of high-powered firearms and military-style tanks.
“Remember,” said the same agent, speaking anonymously because he’ll be searching for a job elsewhere in the prison industrial complex, “we’re the good guys.”
(Wish constitutionally constrained government weren’t an April Fool’s joke? You might already be a libertarian – and you’re not alone. To learn more about our efforts to protect all Americans’ civil rights, all the time, visit www.lpgeorgia.com or search for your local chapter).