BREAKING NEWS: Bob Barr and Wayne Allyn Root Re-Join Libertarian Party, To Run As Ticket In 2016

Just a few short days ago, on March 28th, the 2008 Libertarian Party presidential nominee and former congressman Bob Barr announced that he will be running for U.S. Congress in 2014, in the 11 congressional district, as a Republican. Back in 2011, Barr had sworn off the Libertarian Party, and re-joined the GOP. The one time champion of DOMA, avowed drug warrior and unconstitutional war supporter came back to his original roots. First, he proudly endorsed Newt Gingrich instead of Ron Paul, and then strongly backed Mitt Romney in the general election. With this congressional campaign, Libertarians of all stripes thought they had gotten rid of the former CIA agent and accidental Borat star once and for all.

But not so.

Today, the third party world was shocked and rocked to its core by the announcement that Barr issued today:

“I announced that I will be running for Congress a few days ago, in the district that fellow “Georgia peach,” Rep. Phil Gingrey, is retiring from. However, upon much deliberation and consternation, I have concluded that this is not the right course for me to take.

Rather, I am officially announcing that I am rejoining my political home, the Libertarian Party, today. The LP stands for all the ideals and values that I have pretended to stand for. Also, they are a good way for me to build up my own brand, as I am an opportunist with a significantly inflated ego and self image. The LP proved, in 2008, that it is willing to sell out all its core values and beliefs to nominate a neoconservative, Big-Government statist like myself. So I have no reason to think they won’t do it again. I fooled them once, but I can fool them again.

So today, I am announcing that I will be running for President of these great United States seeking the Libertarian Party nomination. I have a great amount of personal wealth, so I will be able to buy votes and cut back room deals to ensure my nomination if necessary. Furthermore, having just gotten off the phone with several LP leaders, I will have the full support of the top-dawn faction and the so-called “Libertarian Reform Caucus”. Bill Redpath and Mark Hinkle, former LNC chairs, have each pledged $1,000 to my campaign already.

Furthermore, I am announcing that my fellow neoconservative, and LP infiltrator, Wayne Allyn Root, will be running with me as a ticket, for the office of Vice-President of the United States. Wayne is a talented Republican operative who wants to transform the Libertarian Party in to just another statist wing of the GOP, as I do. He is also a committed Zionist, like myself, and believes as I do that $3 billion a year to tiny Israel is not even close to being anywhere sufficient to finance their campaign of violence and terror against the Palestinians.

My 3 main platform planks:

1. Increase yearly aid to Israel from $3 billion to $800 billion. We must protect this sacred nation, at all costs. We are one with Israel! We will not rest until every Palestinian man, woman, and child is dead!

2. Promote Big Government statism wherever possible. I will strictly enforce DOMA as President and support more funding for the never-ending War on  Drugs. Also, I will support more war, and increasing the warfare state. Hell, I’ll also support increasing the welfare state while I’m at it. I will support repealing ObamaCare and replacing it with a new plan, jointly coauthored with my good friend, Governor Romney, called BarromneyCare. And since I was once a big fan of the Patriot Act (I voted for it), I will enforce the NDDA to the fullest extent possible. Drones killing American  citizens on American soil without due process of law? You bet! Among my many other plans to enforce an Orwellian dystopian superstate and grow the American empire to the breaking point.

3. Change the LP to be a neocon mouthpiece, and a bastion of hatred for liberty and small government, just as the GOP currently is. Given my record in Congress, it’s in my nature to promote ideas that are polar opposites of what the  LP platform currently stands for. Wayne will help me in this venture. He already was able to inflict a great deal of damage to the LP and its image among libertarians; I will help him wreck this party further. For more information, please visit our new website, www.destroythelp.com. For our detailed step by step plan on how we plan on completely hijacking and subverting this party, please visit the following link: http://www.destroythelp.com/diabolical-plan-to-hijack-the-LP-and-finish-the-work-we-started-in-2008.

Thank you, and God Bless the CIA and Project COINTELPRO! My campaign is being sponsored by this organization and project.

Yours against liberty,

Bob Barr and Wayne Allyn Root

Speaking to reporters, Wayne Allyn Root (who has proposed a campaign slogan, “Create more WAR!”),  said that “The Libertarian Party is just a bunch of idiots. I was able to not just win their vice-presidential nomination, but come close to being their actual chairman and was elected to the LNC. We will dupe those motherf*ckers once again, don’t you worry. The Republican National Committee has endorsed our efforts, and my comrade, Reince Priebus, even stated, ‘Once you guys finish off the LP once and for all, we will use your expertise to purge the GOP from these Godawful Ron Paul supporters, ‘libertarian kids’ and ‘wacko birds’. This will complete our project to completely annihilate the Liberty Movement and scatter its supporters to the four winds.’ Furthermore, he pledged an annual donation of $5 million to our campaign straight from the GOP’s coffers.”

Stay tuned for more up to the minute coverage of these breaking developments on IPR.

34 thoughts on “BREAKING NEWS: Bob Barr and Wayne Allyn Root Re-Join Libertarian Party, To Run As Ticket In 2016

  1. Jill Pyeatt

    Krzysztof, you get the prize for the best imagination! My fingers are quaking as I type ths, I’m laughing so hard!

  2. paulie

    KL @ 9 I’m not sure it’s something that can be taught, but check out the April 1 archives for each year (2008, 2009, 2010, 2011, 2012).

  3. Krzysztof Lesiak Post author

    Thanks Jill, I really appreciate that.

    Never can satisfy all tastes. But for April 1, 2014, I will definitively put in a lot more time to come up with the perfect prank story. Lolz

  4. Jill Pyeatt

    Clearly, it’s not my thing, either, but I tried. It might be fun if I started a little rumor, though.

  5. Krzysztof Lesiak Post author

    I’ll look to Paulie’s posts and maybe a bit of the Onion for future things like this. His article on Clinton joining the LP was hilarious.

  6. paulie

    Golden oldies:

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2009/04/former-presidential-candidate-mike-gravel-running-for-office-in-korea/ by Ross Levin

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2010/04/president-obama-congressional-leaders-seek-to-ban-all-anti-war-political-parties/ (me)

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2010/04/greens-criticize-secret-plan-to-convert-state-illinois-capital-into-simpsons-theme-park/ (Green press release)

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2011/04/ron-paul-ralph-nader-set-to-announce-combined-2012-presidential-ticket/ (me)

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2011/04/wayne-root-buys-independent-political-report/ (Bruce Cohen)

    https://independentpoliticalreport.com/2011/04/libertarians-praise-congress-on-april-fools-day/ (LP Press release)

  7. Chuck Moulton

    Good April Fools pranks seem very plausible, but just a little over the top.

    A few of these IPR “pranks” are just name calling that completely abandon journalistic tone. None of the “quotes” are things Root would ever say. Pretty sad.

    I liked the Johnson/Wiener ticket post from last year a lot.

  8. NewFederalist

    “Like many a high school student, I am stupid and immature.”

    A truly damning commentary on American high schools.

  9. Krzysztof Lesiak Post author

    NF 26

    Hey, public schooling (cough cough indoctrination cough cough) is one of the 10 planks of the Commie Manifesto. Karl would be so pleased to see how one of his key planks is alive and thriving in the good ‘ol USA.

  10. Krzysztof Lesiak Post author

    YOU ARE A COMMUNIST

    Jill or Paulie, I think you should post this video as its own article. It’s fantastic, and would make for a good laugh to share with our beloved audience on April 1st.

  11. Jill Pyeatt

    Take it from me, Chris–you’re not a typical high school student. I’ve had a few of them apply for a job, and some of them can barely spell their names. You seem exceptionally bright to me. If you need college recommendations, I can definitely help you out with one.

  12. Jill Pyeatt

    Well, the video just got a lot of attention when I posted it on the latest Libertarienne video thread. We should problably give it a little more time.

  13. Shave the Whales!

    The other video:

    It’s been posted as its own thread before.

    Not sure about mature, but Krzyzstof is a lot smarter than the typical high schooler.

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